In Search of Normality
I’m really trying to get back into the habit of blogging, rather than just constantly posting videos of the games I am playing. Although I enjoy the latter, I really do enjoy blogging and need to make time in order to achieve this. As for content/topics, well I do like to blog about the games I play, from a newbie perspective of course, but I also like to post blogs about my life in general. These are probably the ones which I enjoy writing the most, but are the least viewed and interacted with. I can accept that since, quoting that famous ABBA song – “I’m nothing special, in fact I’m a bit of a bore!”
As you might be aware I am a person of routines and this usually extends to my blog posts as I maintain a constant structure. I am going to, and this is meant to be good for me, try to write less in this structure since many times I put off writing a blog post mainly because I can’t think of three things to put in it. So be prepared – I’m throwing everything to the wind here and just writing! – Heaven help us! (waits for the world to end…..)
I was busy at work when one of my students said something to me. At the moment I was taken back about the comment, but as I have thought about it more and more, I do think that there was probably some truth in the comment. What was is? Well quite simple – why can’t I be more normal…
Before you all suddenly break away from your coffee or other favourite beverage and start typing in the comments that there is no such thing as normality, I would like you to pause for a minute, if you are a quick reader, and just read the rest of this post before getting a-typing. I don’t think the comment was meant to be detrimental in any sense of the word, it is just that I don’t have much going for me which allows me to fit in with the rest of the world. I have already mentioned my love of routine and aversion to germs but it doesn’t end there. I have a variety of dietary requirements (being vegetarian/vegan), I have the complete absence of alcohol in my life and even range of medical issues from trigeminal neuralgia to IBS. I do don’t like being touched or people close to me – that’s physical proximity – and have never been on a date. I have the unnerving habit of not engaging my verbal filter before asking questions and struggle with most social situations. It would appear that rather than having a small amount of abnormalities I have been given a whole sack load.
After the comment had been made, I was walking home thinking what can I change in order to be more ‘normal’ or not to appear so different. As I went shopping this weekend, I looked at a can of fish and tried to disconnect the animal within thinking I could just by it and eat it and leave my vegetarian roots and become something which ‘fits in more’. Then I could go frolicking at the weekends, enjoying long social dinners without having to consider in great depth about what I could eat from the menu. Although I wouldn’t venture down the route of drinking milk – the outcome is not worth even thinking about! – I could actually do my shopping at another time, or sit at another table in Costa or even, gasp shock horror, change my drink – maybe even put a drop of syrup in it! Drinking alcohol might get me invited to the pub more and I would be able to regale people with my stories of drunken ventures or even look embarassed as images of the previous night out were shared across Facebook. I decided that working on the social interaction might be an easy one to start with so, in an attempt to gain a more social interaction – I actually sent out a number of Facebook messages via the messenger application to try and chat with people – I guess people are busy – or my messenger isn’t working. No replies yet.
You might still have your fingers hovering over the keys awaiting to type a response to this post about being myself and not bothering what other people think but just hold off for a few more minutes, I’ve nearly finished. I do wonder whether my list of ‘differences’ are actually causing more. I wonder whether I am self perpetuating them as, in an attempt to become accepted, I am actually creating more so that people think ‘wow’ how interesting that person is. I am, as I’ve said before, T-Total – but I also decided some years ago to not have alcohol even in sauces and cakes. I’m not sure why, apart from being completely T-total, but I do think decisions like these add to my abnormality and yet, I don’t think I can go backwards on the decision – just like I can’t disconnect that image of that animal when I see a tray of meat.
The initial comment – “Why can’t you be more normal?” was probably very true. I’m not normal at all – I don’t conform into any peg hole, indeed I’m not even a square peg trying to force my way into the round hole of society – I’m more a pentagonal prism trying to slide into not only a square hole which is several sizes too small. I’m wondering whether I should try to relax a bit, let go of some of my ‘constraints’ and actually try and fit in more. Maybe then I will be more acceptable for society, social groups and life in general. But, as easy as that sounds – it is not and maybe I will just have to remain slightly abnormal for a little while longer…