Welcome to another one of my reflection blogs when I try not to feel sorry for myself and maintain a positive outlook on content creation and life in general. I hope that by writing my thoughts down I achieve some form of reflection and, in doing so, make progress with my thoughts and progression. If you have any answers or suggestions then please do add them in the comments below.
Ok – here we go!
Oh to be good at something!
Today has been one of those days! Apart from burning my tongue on my morning coffee and spilling some down my trousers, it has been one of those days when doubt and imposter syndrome have taken over my thoughts.
Yesterday I was celebrating that I had reached the criteria for YouTube partnership and I spent the day and today sharing the great news. However, returning to my computer tonight I found that my watch hours have dropped and I was no longer eligible. I really don’t know what the next stage is! I’m only four hours short but is it my lot in life just to vibrate across the threshold forever?
At this moment, I begin to doubt myself and my direction. One minute I’m on a high celebrating and the next minute I’m plunged into a trough of deep despair! One moment I think I am making headway, the next it is all taken away from me and I am left wondering what am I actually good at.
I understand that there are many, many, many content creators out there and I’m never going to be the best, but it would be nice to have some acknowledgement of some kind. I might, of course, already have this and my self-doubt is just blinding me!
People might be up in arms now at my self-doubt, but it is something that I struggle with. Being a small content creator is a lonely profession. I sit in front of my computer making content for hours on end. Your only feedback is from comments, views and likes. This can make you very reliant on what I class as destructive metrics. Metrics often have no explanation at all. Sometimes I feel I have cracked the algorithm, the next moment I am back to completely not understanding it at all. I feel like it is one step forward and several backwards.
I often talk about the mantra;
but never giving up is hard.
As I look around Twitch, Instagram and YouTube I see people doing so much better than me. If I wasn’t working hard I would have only myself to blame, but I am currently putting every ounce of energy and thought into my content. The question in my mind is – “Is this worth it if it is not meant to be!”
Snap out of it inwils
At this point, I feel that I have wallowed in self-pity enough and I need to think of a way forward. What can I do to change this mindset and get back to forging ahead?
First, I need to accept that I am moving forward. Yes, this might be a slight setback, but generally, I am still making progress. What I need to do is not allow myself to doubt after each small setback. Let’s face it, I have moved away from putting myself down every time I have lost a follower or gotten one less like – or no likes before!
Second – I’m never going to be the best. I am not being negative here but there will always be someone better. I am reminded of the quote – “Comparison always leads to disappointment”. Inwils, there is always going to be someone better than you, you just need to focus on what you are doing and do it to the best of your ability and try to avoid everyone else.
So with my confidence restored via blogging, I am ready to progress. I think self-doubt is quite natural but the important part is to not to dwell on the feelings. We probably all have them at some time but I guess today I am just dwelling on them.
So thank you blogging – you have helped me reset and get back on track!