Well, this morning has been somewhat different to my usual Saturday mornings. If you have read any of my weird life series you will be aware that I like my routines.This morning, due to illness and changing plans, I am currently sat in an unfamiliar coffee shop in an unfamiliar part of town trying my best to concentrate on writing this blog rather than standing up, leaving my coffee and heading home again. It seems almost fate, that I had already decided about the content of this week’s post before today and that now I find myself in a state of anxiety writing a blog post titled me and anxiety!
I’m sure that when I was growing up I probably heard the phrase – “You’re just a worrier” many times. I am a worrier to the point that I worry about almost everything and anything for the majority of the time. I’ve spoken about my weird life several times before and I have, to be honest, been putting this post off since it is often very difficult to verbalise my thoughts and feeling about my anxiety in such a way that it does not come across as sounding silly or well … ‘weird’. If you read about me and sleeping you will be aware that I have, what many people refer to, as an active brain and I do attribute many of my anxiety attacks to this. It is important at this stage to make it clear that I suffer from anxiety, although I will be referring to them, or it, as worries throughout this post, mainly because I think it flows better and I’m not sure that I am spelling anxiety correctly every time. In order to give you somewhat of an insight into me and my anxiety, I wanted to split the post into the usual three sections. First I wanted to share with you what I actually worry about on a daily basis, then explain what happens when things change and finally, because I like to end on a positive, the progress that I have made over the past years – well actually decades.
I have made myself come to a different coffee shop today to write this blog. This is good for me, although I do know that I have probably avoided going to my usual haunt due to the fact that I was worried that there would be no seats available – yes I even worry about that! I learnt a long time ago that in order to make progress with my anxiety I have to push myself and try and engage with new situations and people. I know I still have an awful long way to go with my anxiety and yes I will have times when it is really bad and maybe I won’t want to leave the house or feel that I can’t do things. But there are also days that I can summon enough self confidence to try something new, whether this be a different coffee shop, restaurant or even a train journey! I’m not planning to ever go back to those ‘dark times’ although it would be very easy to slip back to that place. I’m determined to go forward constantly in small or even tiny steps and despite at times taking several steps backwards, at the end of the day I feel that I am generally making progress.
I don’t have an amusing or funny way to finish this post but I wanted to finish it by saying thank you. I am very grateful to everyone who actually puts up with me when I am in my ‘intense’ panicked states. I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you for all the support and, perhaps more importantly, the understanding that people have given and continue to give me. I know it all sounds weird and illogical and maybe, to some people, even pathetic, but to me it is all very real and I am always appreciative of the people who acknowledges this. If you suffer from anxiety then please take heart, we can beat it so please keep pushing those boundaries and moving forward since it is only by moving forward that we know that we are not going backwards.